


In being alone

by perpetualguilt



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, and also heavily self projecting, anyway. this is just a short little... character study kind of??, for as much as you can call the concept of loneliness a character, i wrote this because i was having feelings about martin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 07:40:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19763611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetualguilt/pseuds/perpetualguilt
Summary: The potential for isolation dwells inside of us all.





	In being alone

It is in the hands keeping to themselves.  
More than that: it is in the hands’ refusal to reach where others are,  
instead, reaching where and when they aren’t   
only to brush cold absence with all the tenderness that yearning denies them in return.  
  
It is in the fingers that curl inward on their own warmth,  
unsatisfying as it is, unbearable as it can become  
to hold tightly to themselves while knuckles tremble under the immense uncertainty.  
Reaching or no, the uncertainty remains a constant.  
  
It settles in the skin like numbing static  
or perhaps oppresses outward like radiation from a star.  
Regardless, it envelops as though there is comfort to be found in demarcating  
between the self and the not-self (as if there was so easy a distinguishment).  
  
It strains on the muscles in the neck; plucks the sinew; bends the fat  
for daring to stretch towards something like hope-  
- **connection** -  
-and freshly severed possibilities sag down the spine again, the frail curve well-remembered.  
  
It does not exactly live in the throat; It merely takes refuge in the laryngeal mausoleum  
to explore labyrinths of unspoken words,  
observe every mournful and forsaken tomb with ruthless impartiality,  
haunting the hallways as much as any of the sentiments that still echo through them in search of deliverance.  
  
It shines as glossy unfamiliarity in the eyes  
even when confronted with something known, something once loved or bright,  
its own distracting glare coloring them dull.  
The risk it takes is that it can be seen most prominently here  
and so averts the sight from those who could behold it.

It ignites without warning, setting the mind on fire,  
immolating the crowning bastion of personhood beyond recognition  
to nestle victoriously in the freezing ashes afterwards,  
a facsimile of consciousness puppeteering a hollow shape.  
  
And expansive emptiness is the home it prefers, the misery therein the meal that fattens it.  
It swallows more of itself in an endless, insatiable indulgence,  
every renewed blossom of _something_ an opportunity for its all-consuming _nothing_ to proliferate.  
But such monstrous hunger is unsustainable.  
  
Fending it off takes surprisingly little, much to its frustration.  
A reaching hand needs only the grip and warmth of another to end its yearning,  
and taut knuckles can relax in the comfort of the other’s hand,  
skin soothing skin til it ceases to matter where one ends and the other begins...  
Only that even the simplest contact can re-string bridges long decayed or build new ones in their place;  
Even the smallest acknowledgment can finally put to rest those phantom thoughts that linger to be choked upon  
and the world may begin to regain clarity again- maybe not ever the same as it was, but new eyes see new perspectives,  
alighting the mind with activity and personhood and life anew.  
  
Worship not at its unholy temple within you,  
for it is not the breeze, sweetly guiding you to truths unknown.  
It is the wicked storm that follows to sweep you away from everything you are.  
Still: it has a place, an inevitability in the ebb and flow of natural existence that need not be feared  
as long as it is within your power to turn it away at the threshold.  
  
No, fear what inevitable horrors you will invite should you choose to serve yourself to it.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading
> 
> feel free to connect every last dot that you can pull from this to other entities/characters from the magnus archives because that was indeed my intention (and otherwise this is just a sad weird thing i wrote about myself ha ha h a)
> 
> you can find me on tumblr at thisisasupergoodidea.tumblr.com, where i was ORIGINALLY going to post this, but it just refused to show up in the tags and i was really hoping to share this one


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